Hey Mom,

Guess what? I turned into the hero of Pawsburgh today! Aliens showed up (for real), but instead of chasing them off, I’m hosting an intergalactic symposium on how to dodge baths. I knew my bath-avoidance tactics would save the day! Giving negotiation tips with a wagging tail. Pawsburgh never has a dull moment. 😄

Tail wags and face licks,
Piper

Something’s definitely amiss in Pawsburgh today. You know that static-in-your-fur feeling, when the air’s charged with more than just the scent of adventure? That’s what ruffled my fluff this morning as I trotted over to Hound’s Hotdogs for breakfast. I had planned it especially since they started serving that new lamb sausage. My tail wagged at the thought—there it goes again!

But then, it hit me. Not the aroma of sizzling meats, oh no. Instead, a strange, pulsating rhythm set my ears on alert faster than when the mail truck rounds the corner. I glanced up, my blue merle coat a stark contrast against the peculiar green glow that now tinted the morning sky.

“An invasion,” I woofed under my breath, “of extraterrestrial origins, no less.” I was familiar with stories of unexplained phenomena from my human, who doesn’t realize colorful noises filter through the door while they binge-watch those sci-fi shows.

The cosmic invaders must have chosen Pawsburgh for a reason; maybe it was the allure of Paw Pad Thai’s secret sauce or the coveted squeaky toys at The Pooch Playhouse. Either way, I had to act fast.

“Blasted bathing fear,” I muttered. “If I can stand water, I can face a few glowy whatzits.”

Like a true Shetland Sheepdog, herding the situation became my mission. I darted through Samoyed Square, sideswiping a bewildered Great Dane, and stopped sharply outside The Furry Friends Art Gallery. The reflective windows showed a bizarre reflection – not just of me, but of them. Tiny creatures hovered above Diamond Doberman Dunes. Their ships were…octopus-shaped. My crinkle octopus, to be precise.

A symphony of barks and howls erupted around me. I took a deep breath of the otherworldly air and got ready to speak. They said Neil Simon could make the mundane hysterical—let’s hope Piper can make the supernatural…well, natural.

“Fellow canines, heed my call!” I began. The crowd hushed—the effect of my sometimes surprising authoritative bark. “These extraterrestrials,” my nose pointed towards the octopus ships, “they’re not here to make us roll over or play dead. They seem to be fans of Pawsburgh culture, just like any astute canine would be.”

Ears perked, some tilted heads as I continued, “You know I’d sooner chase my tail in circles than acknowledge the presence of celery in my bowl, but this is an actual threat! We won’t find safety, even if we tunnel to the other side of Pomeranian Park.”

Angus, the bulldog who runs The Doggie Daycare, barked out, “What’s the plan then, Piper?”

“Oh, nothing major,” I replied. “Just the usual – sniff for their weaknesses, pee to mark our territories, and perhaps convince them to leave with a polite, yet firm, bark-off.”

The Pawsburghers barked in agreement, tails wagging in a myriad of frenzied patterns.

I continued, rallying the troops. “We will not stand for unwelcome paws, tentacles, or whatever they have! This is our town. These are our squeaky octopuses.”

Crouching low, I started a stealthy advance towards the Durango Desert, where the ships seemed focused on extracting sand. Curious. Maybe they need it for…alien litter boxes?

Nonetheless, my compatriots fanned out, a cohort of heroes in coats from fawn to brindle, from spotted to solid.

Just then, a ship zapped a beam right at me. In an alien squawk, a voice boomed, “Greetings, Piper of Earth. We come in peace to exchange ideas. Also, we’re in dire need of bath avoidance strategies.”

Baths?! An interspecies treaty negotiation—I was ready. “Let’s talk,” I said, a grin spreading across my canine lips, as I prepared to share with them the awe-inspiring, incredible, unscalable mountains of…wet dog strategies, guiding these extraterrestrials away from our precious town to more bath-friendly galaxies.

Only in Pawsburgh, folks. Only in Pawsburgh.

The End.